Thoughts

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Last week was my friend's birthday -- she passed away two years ago, only 25 years old. I remember it was the first time I realized that it doesn't matter if your child is a baby or an adult -- if you outlive them, it hurts more than you could have ever imagined.

I think losing a child is something that everyone fears, but never thinks will actually happen to them. Jeffrey and I recently signed up for a life insurance policy, and they asked if we wanted the children covered. We declined while talking with the agent, so we didn't really have a chance to discuss all our thoughts. But I think Jeffrey feels the same way I do. We just can't even think that we might lose another child. Call it denial, or idealistic thinking, but it's the only way I can lead a normal life. I just can't be constantly thinking that I might outlive my children. And I can't do anything that would suggest that they might see Riley before I do (like getting life insurance for them). I don't know. I mean, that doesn't keep me from worrying all the time. I still check on Bekka most nights, to make sure she's okay. And we have a movement monitor on Hannah's crib that detects the motion from her breathing. We used it for Bekka too, and I don't think I would have ever gotten any sleep if we hadn't had it for her. We use it for Hannah, but I don't seem to need it quite as much as I did with Bekka. With Bekka, I had to turn the sound indicator on, so I could hear it clicking all night long, telling me she was okay. With Hannah, I just have it set to beep if there is ever a long enough break in movement. So I guess I don't need the constant reassuring, just the safety net in case anything ever happens. Still, most of the time she doesn't even sleep in her crib. I don't know if I have a point to all this, I'm just writing out my thoughts.

This is kind of a jumbled post, but I just had to get my thoughts out. I just found out this morning about a 16-year-old girl who passed away. She was just a little girl when I was in young women's with her sisters. My heart is breaking for their family. I sent a message to their mother, which is what got me thinking about all this. Here is some of what I wrote to her:

"I know the pain of outliving your child is tremendous, but the healing power of the atonement is even greater. I'm sure it is all overwhelming right now, and nothing can make your heart stop hurting. But you CAN find peace and comfort through the Savior. I am so grateful that families can be together forever. Having a knowledge of the plan of salvation helped us focus on our hope for the future, instead of our pain in the present. We still miss our little boy every day, and sometimes the pain is still overwhelming. But we have learned to smile and laugh again."

I just wanted to share that on here, because it is the #1 thing I would share with anyone who loses a child.

Sorting Through My Emotions

Emotions can be confusing. My husband says it's impossible to feel both sad and happy at the same moment. I beg to differ. In 23 days, we will celebrate the day our son would have turned 3. As in the past, we will spend this day celebrating his life, honoring his memory, thanking God for the time we got to spend with him, and looking forward to our permanent reunion. I'm not sure how I will feel on his actual birthday -- I think sometimes I do better on special days because I am able to brace myself for the emotional affront. All I know is that right now it is hard for me to think about it. I want to do something nice, because he is a part of our family, and I want our other children to know how grateful we are for their older brother. We want him to be a part of their lives, even if he isn't here with us now.

I've identified my main coping mechanism: I think of Riley as a missionary in the spirit world. That way I can almost think that our family has always been this way. Perhaps it's not the best way to deal with things, but it's how I am able to function, and how I can be a better mother to the children who depend on me right now. So the hardest times for me are when I have to acknowledge that he really was here, and that I once had many hopes and expectations for his life on earth. Things like birthdays force me to think about all of that and it can prove very emotionally taxing for me.

As if that weren't enough to send me on an emotional roller coaster, in 29 days, we will welcome our second daughter into the world (one of the perks of a planned c-section is being able to plan for things like that). Bringing another child into our family has been a very emotional, faith-trying experience for us. As with my last pregnancy, I feel guilty that the feelings of joy over our new child are accompanied by the pain and sorrow of missing our son. My excitement and anticipation about meeting my new little girl are accompanied by fear and dread concerning her safety. Many of these feelings have not been as sharp as they were last time, because I have been busy being a full-time mother. But when I lay awake at night or catch a quiet moment to think about things, all these emotions start flooding my body. I feel like I subconsciously tune out all these feelings as a type of self-preservation, but I'm going to have to face them sooner or later. I'm afraid it won't hit me until I'm in the hospital, holding my baby, and it will all just come crashing down on my head. I really am excited to meet my baby girl, but I'm also so, so scared.

I know things would be hard regardless of when the baby was born, but it makes it even harder that her birthday will be within a week of Riley's. It's just so hard to celebrate when you are grieving. Like Jeffrey's birthday being only two days before Riley's angelversary. It all makes for an even more drastic ride along the spectrum of emotions. Perhaps I am able to feel opposing emotions simultaneously because I must. I will grieve because I am separated from my son, but I will rejoice because our eternal family will be growing.

A Long Overdue Return

Well, it's been almost a year since I last updated. I don't know if anything I say helps anybody, but on the chance that it does, I feel I should continue to share my thoughts and experiences.

There are so many things to write about. Where do I start? Last week my heart broke when I found out my friend was admitted to the hospital two months early and their little boy didn't make it. While I have grown to accept my role as the mother of an angel baby, and while I think that makes me a better, stronger person today, it is not something I would ever want anybody else to have to go through. The circumstances may have been different, but I understood the feelings of loss, grief, despair, and anguish; the hopes and dreams that won't be fulfilled; the overwhelming emptiness where your child should be. I felt her pain as the memories of my own echoed through my heart -- wounds now eased, but never completely healed. But despite my understanding and genuine empathy, I could do nothing to lessen her pain or ease her burden. It frustrated me. So I decided to share some thoughts on here. Maybe it will help her. Maybe it will help somebody else. I don't know. But at least I will know that I did what I could.

There is nothing anyone can say that will ease the initial grief of a bereaved parent. But for me, knowing that people wanted to, that was enough for me to feel their love and support. The only thing that got us through our despair was our testimony of the Atonement, our trust in God, and our faith in the promised blessings of an eternal family. But even this could not take away our pain, only give us the strength to endure it. And that is what we did. One day at a time -- some days worse, some days better. Even now, two and a half years later, our lives have moved forward, but there are still moments and days where I just have to focus on getting through the end of the day.

I know how easily somebody's pain can turn to anger. I understand how people can blame God and turn away from Him. But if ever there was a time to rely on Him, it is when you experience such life-altering, heart-shattering grief. We are not here to lead a life free from all trial and heartache. There are times when He will not take away our burdens. Rather, He will give us the strength to endure them. Through Him, we have the promise of not only being reunited with our beloved child, but of never losing them again. How can anyone ever expect to feel joy if they abandon their hope in that promise? I know there have been days where that promise is all that got my through.

I know how hard it is to keep an eternal perspective when the pain is so overwhelming, but the more you can do it, the more your heart can be healed. Young children who pass away before the age of accountability are automatically guaranteed a place in the celestial kingdom. They will have the opportunity to find a righteous companion and be sealed to them. Of all the hopes and dreams we could have for our children, are any greater than this? They will be able to experience every good thing, without the sorrows of this world. I know it's hard to think that way, because this is the only world we know. But our sweet angel children will not be denied any blessing or opportunity we could wish for them. It will just be on a different timetable.

Every day, I am grateful for my son. Knowing that his exaltation is ensured helps me strive that much more to be worthy of celestial glory. Death may have separated us for the time being, but I know that if I continue to trust in God and live up to my covenants, no power can break the eternal ties between me and my sweet Riley.

Slowing Things Down

Well, the last couple weeks have been full of visits with family and moving into our Reno home for the summer. We don't have internet in our apartment, and the nearest place with free WiFi is Starbucks. I figure I'll make a weekly trip down there to update blogs and upload pictures to Facebook. Anyway, the point is, I'm going to have to slow down the pace of this blog to one, maybe two posts a week. But as always, you can reach me by email (which I get on my phone) if you ever need someone to talk to, or you would like to be a contributor to this blog.

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Words of Comfort: Healed By His Power

 From Elder Kent F. Richard's talk The Atonement Covers All Pain from the April 2011 General Conference

As Elder Dallin H. Oaks has taught: “Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a ‘healing’ cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ‘healed’ by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us.” ¹⁷ All that will come may be “clasped in the arms of Jesus.” ¹⁸ All souls can be healed by His power. All pain can be soothed. In Him, we can “find rest unto [our] souls.” ¹⁹ Our mortal circumstances may not immediately change, but our pain, worry, suffering, and fear can be swallowed up in His peace and healing balm.

I really liked this quote when I heard it. We always think (or at least we want it so badly that we convince ourselves) that being healed means that our pain will be taken from us. Of course, we also think that if we are faithful, God will answer our prayers the way we want him to. But that's not how it works. I know that over the past year and a half I have received much healing in the form of strength, understanding, and patience. Obviously, I am still physically separated from my son, and will be for some time. But my pain, worry, suffering, and fear have indeed been swallowed up in His peace.

Words of Comfort: Patience, Faith, Fortitude, and Humility

From Elder Kent F. Richard's talk The Atonement Covers All Pain during April 2011 General Conference:

Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.”

Orson F. Whitney, in Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle (1972), 98.

I know this doesn't talk specifically about the pain of losing a child, but it does remind us that even that pain can help us grow and develop eternal qualities.

Words of Comfort: Preaching, Preaching All the Time

Father Smith [Joseph Smith Sr.] and Carlos [Smith] and Brother [Edward] Partridge, yes, and every other good Saint, are just as busy in the spirit world as you and I are here. They can see us, but we cannot see them unless our eyes were opened. What are they doing there? They are preaching, preaching all the time, and preparing the way for us to hasten our work in building temples here and elsewhere.

"Chapter 38: The Spirit World," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

Words of Comfort: Exquisite and Sensible Happiness

We have more friends behind the veil than on this side, and they will hail us more joyfully than you were ever welcomed by your parents and friends in this world; and you will rejoice more when you meet them than you ever rejoiced to see a friend in this life; and then we shall go on from step to step, from rejoicing to rejoicing, and from one intelligence and power to another, our happiness becoming more and more exquisite and sensible as we proceed in the words and powers of life.

"Chapter 38: The Spirit World," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

Words of Comfort: Masters Over the Power of Satan

 If we are faithful to our religion, when we go into the spirit world, the fallen spirits—Lucifer and the third part of the heavenly hosts that came with him, and the spirits of wicked men who have dwelt upon this earth, the whole of them combined will have no influence over our spirits. Is not that an advantage? Yes. All the rest of the children of men are more or less subject to them, and they are subject to them as they were while here in the flesh.Here [the faithful] shall be perplexed and hunted by him; but when we go into the spirit world there we are masters over the power of satan, and he cannot afflict us any more, and this is enough for me to know.

"Chapter 38: The Spirit World," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

Words of Comfort: Learning, Increasing, Growing

if we are striving with all the powers and faculties God has given us to improve upon our talents, to prepare ourselves to dwell in eternal life, and the grave receives our bodies while we are thus engaged, with what disposition will our spirits enter their next state? They will be still striving to do the things of God, only in a much greater degree—learning, increasing, growing in grace and in the knowledge of the truth.

"Chapter 38: The Spirit World," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

Words of Comfort: A Measure of His Power

When we pass into the spirit world we shall possess a measure of his power. Here, we are continually troubled with ills and ailments of various kinds. In the spirit world we are free from all this and enjoy life, glory, and intelligence; and we have the Father to speak to us, Jesus to speak to us, and angels to speak to us, and we shall enjoy the society of the just and the pure who are in the spirit world until the resurrection.

"Chapter 38: The Spirit World," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

I love everything about this quote. My sweet Riley doesn't have to suffer through grief or pain or illness. He can bask in glory and intelligence. The Father, Jesus, and angels speak to him, and he is in the company of the other righteous spirits. I know my boy is in a wonderful place and that I don't need to worry about him.

Words of Comfort: Brightness and Glory of the Next Apartment

I can say with regard to parting with our friends, and going ourselves, that I have been near enough to understand eternity so that I have had to exercise a great deal more faith to desire to live than I ever exercised in my whole life to live. The brightness and glory of the next apartment is inexpressible. It is not encumbered so that when we advance in years we have to be stubbing along and be careful lest we fall down. We see our youth, even, frequently stubbing their toes and falling down. But yonder, how different! They move with ease and like lightning. If we want to visit Jerusalem, or this, that, or the other place—and I presume we will be permitted if we desire—there we are, looking at its streets. If we want to behold Jerusalem as it was in the days of the Savior; or if we want to see the Garden of Eden as it was when created, there we are, and we see it as it existed spiritually, for it was created first spiritually and then temporally, and spiritually it still remains. And when there we may behold the earth as at the dawn of creation, or we may visit any city we please that exists upon its surface. If we wish to understand how they are living here on these western islands, or in China, we are there; in fact, we are like the light of the morning. … God has revealed some little things, with regard to his movements and power, and the operation and motion of the lightning furnish a fine illustration of the ability of the Almighty.

"Chapter 38: The Spirit World," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

Words of Comfort: They Sleep Not

When you are in the spirit world, everything there will appear as natural as things now do. Spirits will be familiar with spirits in the spirit world—will converse, behold, and exercise every variety of communication with one another as familiarly and naturally as while here in tabernacles. There, as here, all things will be natural, and you will understand them as you now understand natural things. You will there see that those spirits we are speaking of are active; they sleep not. And you will learn that they are striving with all their might—laboring and toiling diligently as any individual would to accomplish an act in this world

"Chapter 38: The Spirit World," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

Words of Comfort: Mingling with Each Other

The spirits that dwell in these tabernacles on this earth, when they leave them go directly into this world of spirits. What! A congregated mass of inhabitants there in spirit, mingling with each other, as they do here? Yes, brethren, they are there together, and if they associate together, and collect together, in clans and in societies as they do here, it is their privilege. No doubt they yet, more or less, see, hear, converse and have to do with each other, both good and bad. If the Elders of Israel in these latter times go and preach to the spirits in prison, they associate with them, precisely as our Elders associate with the wicked in the flesh, when they go to preach to them

"Chapter 38: The Spirit World," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

Words of Comfort: Healing

In General Conference this past weekend, Elder Kent F. Richards talked about healing, and how we all need it from the Savior. Yes, sometimes we are healed by having our burdens taken from us. But often (as in my own life) healing comes through the gifts of strength, understanding, and patience in our suffering. Heavenly Father did not bring our Riley back, even though we wanted it more than anything. While the paramedics and doctors were working on him, we believed so strongly that he would be revived. But this was not Heavenly Father's will. Our lives were broken and our hearts were shattered. Never in my life have I been more in need of healing. It has already been a long road, and I know I am still on the path to complete healing, but the Savior has indeed been there, and I have received so much strength, from the very beginning. My testimony has been strengthened, and over time, I have been blessed with small pieces of understanding that have further strengthened my testimony and my trust in God. I have also been blessed with patience -- patience for the blessings which have been promised me. We will be with Riley again, and we will have the opportunity to raise him during the Millennium. But we need to be patient and live faithfully.

Words of Comfort: See, Hear and Understand Spiritual Things

When the spirits leave their bodies, … they are prepared then to see, hear and understand spiritual things. … Can you see spirits in this room? No. Suppose the Lord should touch your eyes that you might see, could you then see the spirits? Yes, as plainly as you now see bodies, as did the servant of [Elisha] [see 2 Kings 6:16–17]. If the Lord would permit it, and it was his will that it should be done, you could see the spirits that have departed from this world, as plainly as you now see bodies with your natural eyes


"Chapter 38: The Spirit World," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

Words of Comfort: Pure and Holy

The spirit within is pure and holy, and goes back pure and holy to God, dwells in the spirit world pure and holy, and, by and by, will have the privilege of coming and taking the body again.

"Chapter 37: Understanding Death and Resurrection," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

Words of Comfort: Created to Exist Eternally

The Gospel of life and salvation reveals to each individual who receives it that this world is only a place of temporary duration, existence, trials, etc. Its present fashion and uses are but for a few days, while we were created to exist eternally

"Chapter 37: Understanding Death and Resurrection," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

Should vs. Would

After we lost Riley, we stayed with my in-laws for a few months. When we came back to Provo, and our ward, one of the hardest things for me was seeing the babies that were born around the same time as Riley. As I watched them grow and develop, I often thought things like "Riley should be crawling by now. Riley should have teeth by now. Riley should be eating Cheerios. Riley should be learning to stand and walk. Riley should be here." I think should is a dangerous word. It implies that things aren't the way they are supposed to be, and can lead to anger and frustration. After much prayer, I finally reached a point where I was able to accept that this was God's will; this was how it was supposed to be, even if it wasn't how I wanted it to be. I decided to stop using the word should, because I didn't want to feel contrary to the Lord's plan. I still look at the children that were born around the time Riley was born. It's still hard for me at times, but my thoughts have changed. Now I think things like "Riley would be running around and climbing on everything. Riley would be in nursery. Riley would be talking and singing. Riley would be so big. If he were here." But he's not here, and that's okay, because I know he is in the spirit world, working hard. I'm sure I will always think about what Riley would be doing if he were still here, but I have accepted that he is exactly where God wants and needs him and that he's doing all the things he should be doing. And during the Millennium, I will have the opportunity to raise my beautiful boy, and he will do all these things.

Words of Comfort: No Disposition to Weep or Mourn

It is true it is grievous to part with our friends. We are creatures of passion, of sympathy, of love, and it is painful for us to part with our friends. We would keep them in the mortal house, though they should suffer pain. Are we not selfish in this? Should we not rather rejoice at the departure of those whose lives have been devoted to doing good...? But could we have knowledge and see into eternity, if we were perfectly free from the weakness, blindness, and lethargy with which we are clothed in the flesh, we should have no disposition to weep or mourn.

"Chapter 37: Understanding Death and Resurrection," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)