Well, it's been almost a year since I last updated. I don't know if anything I say helps anybody, but on the chance that it does, I feel I should continue to share my thoughts and experiences.
There are so many things to write about. Where do I start? Last week my heart broke when I found out my friend was admitted to the hospital two months early and their little boy didn't make it. While I have grown to accept my role as the mother of an angel baby, and while I think that makes me a better, stronger person today, it is not something I would ever want anybody else to have to go through. The circumstances may have been different, but I understood the feelings of loss, grief, despair, and anguish; the hopes and dreams that won't be fulfilled; the overwhelming emptiness where your child should be. I felt her pain as the memories of my own echoed through my heart -- wounds now eased, but never completely healed. But despite my understanding and genuine empathy, I could do nothing to lessen her pain or ease her burden. It frustrated me. So I decided to share some thoughts on here. Maybe it will help her. Maybe it will help somebody else. I don't know. But at least I will know that I did what I could.
There is nothing anyone can say that will ease the initial grief of a bereaved parent. But for me, knowing that people wanted to, that was enough for me to feel their love and support. The only thing that got us through our despair was our testimony of the Atonement, our trust in God, and our faith in the promised blessings of an eternal family. But even this could not take away our pain, only give us the strength to endure it. And that is what we did. One day at a time -- some days worse, some days better. Even now, two and a half years later, our lives have moved forward, but there are still moments and days where I just have to focus on getting through the end of the day.
I know how easily somebody's pain can turn to anger. I understand how people can blame God and turn away from Him. But if ever there was a time to rely on Him, it is when you experience such life-altering, heart-shattering grief. We are not here to lead a life free from all trial and heartache. There are times when He will not take away our burdens. Rather, He will give us the strength to endure them. Through Him, we have the promise of not only being reunited with our beloved child, but of never losing them again. How can anyone ever expect to feel joy if they abandon their hope in that promise? I know there have been days where that promise is all that got my through.
I know how hard it is to keep an eternal perspective when the pain is so overwhelming, but the more you can do it, the more your heart can be healed. Young children who pass away before the age of accountability are automatically guaranteed a place in the celestial kingdom. They will have the opportunity to find a righteous companion and be sealed to them. Of all the hopes and dreams we could have for our children, are any greater than this? They will be able to experience every good thing, without the sorrows of this world. I know it's hard to think that way, because this is the only world we know. But our sweet angel children will not be denied any blessing or opportunity we could wish for them. It will just be on a different timetable.
Every day, I am grateful for my son. Knowing that his exaltation is ensured helps me strive that much more to be worthy of celestial glory. Death may have separated us for the time being, but I know that if I continue to trust in God and live up to my covenants, no power can break the eternal ties between me and my sweet Riley.
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