Words of Comfort: Full Stature of His Spirit

"Would we be satisfied to see the children we bury in their infancy remain as children only, throughout the countless ages of eternity? No! Neither would the spirits that did possess the tabernacles of our children be satisfied to remain in that condition. But we know our children will not be compelled to remain as a child in stature always, for it was revealed from God, the fountain of truth, through Joseph Smith the prophet, in this dispensation, that in the resurrection of the dead the child that was buried in its infancy will come up in the form of the child that it was when it was laid down; then it will begin to develop. From the day of the resurrection, the body will develop until it reaches the full measure of the stature of its spirit, whether it be male or female. If the spirit possessed the intelligence of God and the aspirations of mortal souls, it could not be satisfied with anything less than this. You will remember we are told that the spirit of Jesus Christ visited one of the ancient prophets and revealed himself to him, and he declared his identity, that he was the same Son of God that was to come in the meridian of time. He said he would appear in the flesh just as he appeared to that prophet [see Ether 3:9, 16–17]. He was not an infant; he was a grown, developed spirit; possessing the form of man and the form of God, the same form as when he came and took upon him a tabernacle and developed it to the full stature of his spirit."

(Gospel Doctrine, 24.)
~"Chapter 15: The Salvation of Little Children," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: JosephF. Smith, (1998)

Words of Comfort: The Lord Giveth and the Lord Taketh

"With these thoughts in my mind, I take consolation in the fact that I shall meet my children who have passed behind the veil; I have lost a number, and I have felt all that a parent can feel, I think, in the loss of my children. I have felt it keenly, for I love children, and I am particularly fond of the little ones, but I feel thankful to God for the knowledge of these principles, because now I have every confidence in his word and in his promise that I will possess in the future all that belongs to me, and my joy will be full. I will not be deprived of any privilege or any blessing that I am worthy of and that may be properly entrusted to me. But every gift, and every blessing that it is possible for me to become worthy of I shall possess, either in time or in eternity, and it will not matter, so that I acknowledge the hand of God in all these things, and say in my heart, “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord” [see Job 1:21]. This is the way we should feel with regard to our children, or our relatives, or friends, or whatever vicissitudes we may be called to pass through."

~Joseph F. Smith

(Gospel Doctrine, 24.)

Words of Comfort: All That Could Have Been Obtained and Enjoyed... Will be Provided for Them Hereafter

"Our beloved friends who are now deprived of their little one, have great cause for joy and rejoicing, even in the midst of the deep sorrow that they feel at the loss of their little one for a time. They know he is all right; they have the assurance that their little one has passed away without sin. Such children are in the bosom of the Father. They will inherit their glory and their exaltation, and they will not be deprived of the blessings that belong to them; for, in the economy of heaven, and in the wisdom of the Father, who doeth all things well, those who are cut down as little children are without any responsibility for their taking off, they, themselves, not having the intelligence and wisdom to take care of themselves and to understand the laws of life; and, in the wisdom and mercy and economy of God our Heavenly Father, all that could have been obtained and enjoyed by them if they had been permitted to live in the flesh will be provided for them hereafter. They will lose nothing by being taken away from us in this way."

~Joseph F. Smith

(Gospel Doctrine, 5th ed. (1939), 452–54.)

Words of Comfort: Gathered to my Father's Mansion

Although President Joseph F. Smith knew firsthand the anguish, loneliness, and love that attend the death of a child, his teachings on the salvation of little children were inspiring and reassuring. Between 1869 and 1898, he buried nine little children of his own. ...

But he found comfort in the knowledge that, through the Atonement of the Savior, all was well with his beloved children. At the death of his daughter Ruth, on 17 March 1898, he received a glorious revelation: “O my soul! I see my own sweet mother’s arms extended welcoming to her embrace the ransomed glorious spirit of my own sweet babe! O my God! For this glorious vision, I thank Thee! And there too are gathered to my Father’s mansion all my darling lovely ones; not in infantile helplessness, but in all the power and glory and majesty of sanctified spirits! Full of intelligence, of joy and grace, and truth.”(Life of Joseph F. Smith, 463.)

("Chapter 15: The Salvation of Little Children," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph F. Smith, [1998])

Words of Comfort: A Greater and More Glorious Work

"The spirits of the just are exalted to a greater and more glorious work; hence they are blessed in their departure to the world of spirits."

~Joseph Smith

(History of the Church, 6:51–52; from a discourse given by Joseph Smith on Oct. 9, 1843, in Nauvoo, Illinois; reported by Willard Richards and Times and Seasons, Sept. 15, 1843, p. 331; this issue of the Times and Seasons was published late.)

Words of Comfort: I Shall See Them Again

On January 20, 1840, Joseph Smith wrote to Emma Smith: “I received a letter from Hyrum, which cheered my heart to learn that my family was all alive. Yet my heart mourns for those who have been taken from us, but not without hope, for I shall see them again and be with them. Therefore, we can be more reconciled to the dealings of God."

(Letter from Joseph Smith to Emma Smith, Jan. 20, 1840, Chester County, Pennsylvania; Chicago Historical Society, Chicago, Illinois.)

Words of Comfort: Reconciled to His Will

"It has been hard for me to live on earth and see these young men upon whom we have leaned for support and comfort taken from us in the midst of their youth. Yes, it has been hard to be reconciled to these things. I have sometimes thought that I should have felt more reconciled to have been called away myself if it had been the will of God; yet I know we ought to be still and know it is of God, and be reconciled to His will; all is right. It will be but a short time before we shall all in like manner be called: it may be the case with me as well as you."

~Joseph Smith

(History of the Church, 4:587; from a discourse given by Joseph Smith on Apr. 9, 1842, in Nauvoo, Illinois; reported by Wilford Woodruff.)

One of the things I love most about what Joseph Smith said is how he addresses the feelings of those who are left behind when somebody passes away. It is hard to be reconciled to these kinds of things, and it's kind of nice to have prophetic validation for what we are feeling. But the important part of this message is that we need to "be still and know it is of God, and be reconciled to His will." It is normal and natural to feel pain at the loss of a child, but I know from personal experience that if we truly humble ourselves and ask God for understanding, we can receive some. I don't think that at any time in this life I will understand completely why Riley's time on earth was so short. But I have received divine confirmation that this was indeed part of Heavenly Father's plan for our son and for our family. This knowledge helped me accept that "all is right."

I think that one of the most important things I have learned since Riley passed away is how to truly be reconciled to God's will. It is so easy to say that we will follow His will when we live righteously and want good things, and we get them. The test of our faith, and our willingness to submit to God comes when we are doing everything we are supposed to, but things don't happen the way we expect or want them to. But if we really are humble and ask God, we can know if something is His will, and we can learn to not only accept it, but embrace it. Of course part of me wishes that Riley were still here, that we could have had a normal family and a normal life. But that was not part of Heavenly Father's plan for us. For whatever reason, we were chosen to be the parents of a spirit whose earthly mission was very short. Yes, it is still difficult, but we have been blessed in so many ways. Our testimonies have been strengthened, our faith has increased, our relationships with each other and with God are so much stronger, and we have our beautiful baby girl. I know that Bekka would not have come when she did if Riley were still here. I am sure that one day I will know why Bekka needed to come when she did, and why Riley needed to go home when he did. But for now, it is enough to trust in the Lord and be reconciled to His will.

Effects on Marriage

Well, in light of Valentine's Day, I have been thinking a lot about my marriage and how losing our son has affected it. Losing a child is one of those things that truly does make or break a marriage. It either tears you apart, or it makes you so strong and united that you can overcome anything that comes your way.

Losing a child can put a huge strain on a marriage. I think one of the big reasons behind this is that people grieve in different ways, and sometimes it's hard to understand our spouse's way. I have always been much more vocal about my emotions, and it is always really easy to tell what I am feeling. My actions are always a clear outward manifestation of my thoughts and feelings. My husband, on the other hand, keeps a lot of those kinds of things to himself. He will act pretty much exactly the same way, regardless of how he is feeling. I remember one of the worst fights we ever had was when I accused him of not being as sad about losing our son as I was. Of course, this was an incredibly stupid and hurtful accusation. I just expected him to act the same way I did. I think the biggest thing I learned from this is that you each really need to understand both how the other grieves and how you grieve. If you do this, you can each grieve the way you need to, but you will still be grieving together. Communication is so important to this process. You need to be able to express your thoughts and feelings (in a non-accusing way, as I learned) and be willing to understand how your spouse acts and feels.

I think one of the hardest things about losing a child to SIDS, or illness, or accident (or in other words, losing a child who has already spent some time with you) is that after they are gone, everything else about life is exactly the same. It makes you so much more acutely aware of their absence. When I saw the bed, I would remember all the times I snuggled with my little Riley. When I saw the car, I remembered when we brought him home, and I remembered the first trip we took to visit family. When I saw the arm chair, I would remember all the late-night feedings. And when I saw my husband, I remembered how very much our son looks like him. For the first few months after losing Riley, we stayed with my in-laws because I just couldn't bear to go back to a home where everything was the same, except my sweet baby was gone. It really is hard when you look at your spouse and all you can see in your mind is your baby.

It took a while, but eventually I got to the point where I considered the remembrances as tender mercies from the Lord. Small opportunities throughout the day to think about my dear son. Now when I look at my husband, I think about how our Riley will look when he grows up. Joseph Smith explained that we will get to raise our departed children during the Millennium. This knowledge gives me hope, and it makes it a happy experience for me to think about Riley all grown up -- because I know I will still get to see it. 

Anyway, I've taken enough tangents. The point of all this is that losing a child does put strain on a marriage. But if you are willing to be open and communicate with each other and try to understand each other, it will bring you closer together than you ever were before. Furthermore, as you both learn to rely on each other and on the Lord, you will feel a greater measure of love and commitment to your spouse. Even when I was being hormonal and emotional, I just remembered the my husband is Riley's daddy, and he needs both of us. And now that we have been blessed with a beautiful daughter, I just remember that no matte what, she needs us to be a strong, united couple so that we can be the best parents possible.

I can easily see how losing a child could lead people to give up on or run away from their marriage. But from experience I know that if you are willing to put in the effort, your marriage can emerge from the fires of opposition not only intact, but stronger than it ever was before. And there really is no feeling like knowing that no matter what comes your way, you and your spouse can get through it together with the Lord's help.

Words of Comfort: Mothers, You Shall Have Your Children

"A question may be asked—‘Will mothers have their children in eternity?’ Yes! Yes! Mothers, you shall have your children; for they shall have eternal life, for their debt is paid."

~Joseph Smith

(History of the Church, 6:316; from a discourse given by Joseph Smith on Apr. 7, 1844, in Nauvoo, Illinois; reported by Wilford Woodruff, Willard Richards, Thomas Bullock, and William Clayton; see also appendix, page 562, item 3.)

Words of Comfort: We Do Not Mourn as Those Without Hope

"The only difference between the old and young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory than the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable, wicked world. Notwithstanding all this glory, we for a moment lose sight of it, and mourn the loss, but we do not mourn as those without hope."

~Joseph Smith

(History of the Church, 4:553–54; from a discourse given by Joseph Smith on Mar. 20, 1842, in Nauvoo, Illinois; reported by Wilford Woodruff.)

My favorite part of this quote is the end. Yes, of course we will mourn -- we are temporarily separated from our beautiful child; this is not what we had planned; all our expectations for the future (at least in this life) are gone in an instant. And yet, amidst our grief and pain, there is hope. Hope in the atonement that guarantees our innocent children a place in the celestial kingdom. Hope in the resurrection. Hope in eternal families. No, we do not mourn as those without hope, because we know that there is more than the time we spend here on earth. It is okay to be sad and to miss our children, but we will be reunited with them. And for now, they are basking in eternal light and glory and are freed from the pains and sorrows of this world.

Words of Comfort: Too Pure, Too Lovely

At the funeral of two-year-old Marian Lyon, the Prophet [Joseph Smith] said: “We have again the warning voice sounded in our midst, which shows the uncertainty of human life; and in my leisure moments I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us, especially those that seem to be the most intelligent and interesting. The strongest reasons that present themselves to my mind are these: This world is a very wicked world; and it … grows more wicked and corrupt. … The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again"

(History of the Church, 4:553–54; from a discourse given by Joseph Smith on Mar. 20, 1842, in Nauvoo, Illinois; reported by Wilford Woodruff.)

I cannot express enough how much comfort this has brought me. Our angel children were too pure and too lovely to stay here for very long. What special spirits God must have given to us. And while we are separated from them for now, we will have the opportunity to be with them after this life, and for all eternity. And I am certain that upon getting to know our children, we will learn how truly special they are. It took me a long time to get through the process of mourning, but now I do see how we can rejoice. Our sweet children have already gained exaltation and a place in the celestial kingdom. Can any parent wish more for their child?

How Many Children Do You Have?

After losing Riley, we attended a support group where this topic came up. Someone will inevitably ask you, "How many children do you have?" Or in cases like mine where we lost our first child and are now raising our second, "Is this your first?" How do you answer a question like that? The answer: it depends.

My first thoughts were "Of course I'm always going to count Riley when I tell people. He's still one of my children, even if he isn't here right now. Being a 'SIDS Survivor' is a part of who I am, and there is no reason to hide that."

Today at stake conference, I was in the foyer with my daughter. Another woman came out with her baby and sat by me as our little ones played on the ground. "Is she your first?" she asked. In the split second I had to decide (taking longer would have made me seem either really rude or really stupid) I chose simply to say, "Yes." Part of me felt guilty. It was like my insides were screaming at me, "No, she isn't! She is your second. Riley is still your first!" But I decided that since I will probably never see this woman again, there was no point in creating an awkward situation that made her feel embarrassed or uncomfortable for asking. Besides, I am experiencing a lot of firsts with my daughter. She is the first baby I have had learn how to sit up. She will be the first child I will have crawl and walk and run. I do the same thing at the grocery store, where somebody always -- without fail! -- asks me something along those lines.

But whenever I meet somebody that I know I will see again -- whether that be a new neighbor, or someone new to the ward, or even a new doctor -- I am very straightforward about the fact that I do, indeed, have two children, and that one of them has passed away. Sure, most people wouldn't consider this a first-impression, get-to-know-you topic. But I do feel that anyone with whom I will repeatedly associate needs to know that this is part of my life, and has helped make me who I am today. But some people consider it a more private matter, and only share it with very close friends and family. And that is completely okay too.

So how will you respond when somebody asks you how many children you have? There really is no right or wrong answer. It is completely up to you, and what makes you feel comfortable. Don't be too concerned about how other people will respond. If it feels right to you to include your angel baby, then do it! If you feel that you should just tell them how many are still with you, then that's what you should say. If you feel like it would be lying not to tell them about your angel baby, but you don't really want to share it, you can just imagine the question as, "How many children do you have on earth?" or "Is this your first baby you have been able to raise?"

Words of Comfort: The Morning of the Resurrection

"More painful to me are the thoughts of annihilation than death. If I have no expectation of seeing my father, mother, brothers, sisters and friends again, my heart would burst in a moment, and I should go down to my grave. The expectation of seeing my friends in the morning of the resurrection cheers my soul and makes me bear up against the evils of life. It is like their taking a long journey, and on their return we meet them with increased joy."

~Joseph Smith

(History of the Church, 5:361–63; from a discourse given by Joseph Smith on Apr. 16, 1843, in Nauvoo, Illinois; reported by Wilford Woodruff and Willard Richards.)

I really liked the analogy that the Prophet made here. Death is not an ultimate goodbye. It is like saying, "I'll see you when you get back." Or rather, when we make it there, which we inevitably will. I used to be so afraid of dying young, but now I see that death itself is not to be feared. Because in the morning of the resurrection we will be reunited with all our friends and family. While I still hope to live a long and fruitful life, I no longer fear the time when my Heavenly Father shall call me home. When that time does come, it will be because I have finished my earthly mission. I know when I arrive in the spirit world, Riley will be the first one to welcome me. He will wrap his arms around me and say the words I long so much to hear: "Mom, I love you." And I will weep in joy.

Words of Comfort: We Shall Soon Meet Again

"I have a father, brothers, children, and friends who have gone to a world of spirits. They are only absent for a moment. They are in the spirit, and we shall soon meet again. The time will soon arrive when the trumpet shall sound. When we depart, we shall hail our mothers, fathers, friends, and all whom we love, who have fallen asleep in Jesus. There will be no fear of mobs, persecutions, or malicious lawsuits and arrests; but it will be an eternity of felicity."

~Joseph Smith

(History of the Church, 6:302–3, 310–11, 315–16; from a discourse given by Joseph Smith on Apr. 7, 1844, in Nauvoo, Illinois; reported by Wilford Woodruff, Willard Richards, Thomas Bullock, and William Clayton; see also appendix, page 562, item 3.)

I found it really comforting to read the words "we shall soon meet again." We do not know how long we will live. And even if we live to be a hundred, the time will come when we, too, will leave behind our mortal bodies. We will then be greeted by all our loved ones who have gone on before us. This also made me realize that there were people waiting to welcome my little Riley to the spirit world. My great grandmother passed away only a few months before I was married, and I feel very strongly that she was one of the first to welcome my baby boy to the other side. I also found comfort in knowing that there is no fear, only felicity beyond this life. My baby is not scared; he is happy and surrounded by loved ones.