Thoughts

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Last week was my friend's birthday -- she passed away two years ago, only 25 years old. I remember it was the first time I realized that it doesn't matter if your child is a baby or an adult -- if you outlive them, it hurts more than you could have ever imagined.

I think losing a child is something that everyone fears, but never thinks will actually happen to them. Jeffrey and I recently signed up for a life insurance policy, and they asked if we wanted the children covered. We declined while talking with the agent, so we didn't really have a chance to discuss all our thoughts. But I think Jeffrey feels the same way I do. We just can't even think that we might lose another child. Call it denial, or idealistic thinking, but it's the only way I can lead a normal life. I just can't be constantly thinking that I might outlive my children. And I can't do anything that would suggest that they might see Riley before I do (like getting life insurance for them). I don't know. I mean, that doesn't keep me from worrying all the time. I still check on Bekka most nights, to make sure she's okay. And we have a movement monitor on Hannah's crib that detects the motion from her breathing. We used it for Bekka too, and I don't think I would have ever gotten any sleep if we hadn't had it for her. We use it for Hannah, but I don't seem to need it quite as much as I did with Bekka. With Bekka, I had to turn the sound indicator on, so I could hear it clicking all night long, telling me she was okay. With Hannah, I just have it set to beep if there is ever a long enough break in movement. So I guess I don't need the constant reassuring, just the safety net in case anything ever happens. Still, most of the time she doesn't even sleep in her crib. I don't know if I have a point to all this, I'm just writing out my thoughts.

This is kind of a jumbled post, but I just had to get my thoughts out. I just found out this morning about a 16-year-old girl who passed away. She was just a little girl when I was in young women's with her sisters. My heart is breaking for their family. I sent a message to their mother, which is what got me thinking about all this. Here is some of what I wrote to her:

"I know the pain of outliving your child is tremendous, but the healing power of the atonement is even greater. I'm sure it is all overwhelming right now, and nothing can make your heart stop hurting. But you CAN find peace and comfort through the Savior. I am so grateful that families can be together forever. Having a knowledge of the plan of salvation helped us focus on our hope for the future, instead of our pain in the present. We still miss our little boy every day, and sometimes the pain is still overwhelming. But we have learned to smile and laugh again."

I just wanted to share that on here, because it is the #1 thing I would share with anyone who loses a child.