Enjoying Every Moment

One of the most painful things for me after losing Riley was remembering all the times I didn't spend with him. All the times when he cried to be held, but I was so concerned about getting dinner cooked, or getting the dishes washed. To this day, these memories still break my heart. Even worse are the memories of when I was impatient with him, times when I just wanted a moment to myself. What I wouldn't give now for another moment with my sweet boy. I wish I could cuddle with him and get his big open-mouth kisses; I wish I could tickle him and hear his laughter. I even wish I could wake up in the middle of the night to his crying; I wish I could change his stinky, messy diapers.

All that being said, I'm ashamed to admit that I sometimes get impatient with Bekka, when I know I should just be enjoying every moment I have with her. A couple weeks ago, our cousins' son was admitted to the PICU because a blood vessel had burst in his spinal cord. This has been a rough and scary experience for a lot of reasons, but it's made even harder by the fact that our cousins already suffered the loss of one of their daughters a few years ago. And it is their healing baby, the one who helped heal their hearts after their loss, that is now in the hospital. When I found out about their boy being hospitalized I was overwhelmed with so many emotions. Among those emotions were fear and regret. You never, ever imagine that you will lose a child. But even more so, you never, never imagine losing another child. The thought that I might outlive Bekka scared me so much, and I was immediately filled with regret for all the moments with her that I haven't enjoyed. I'll admit, there have been times when she has been crying and I have gotten so frustrated and impatient. I feel so ashamed at how easily I can forget how I would give anything to hear Riley crying again. I'm not perfect, and I'm sure I'll slip up again, but for now I have a renewed determination to enjoy ever single moment with my baby girl -- even if she's crying or her diaper is leaking or anything else that might not otherwise be considered enjoyable.

I hope with all my heart that Bekka lives a long, healthy, wonderful life. I hope that all my future children will outlive me as well. But if the unimaginable happens, if God calls home another child of mine, I never want to have any regrets about how I spent my time with them. I want to live my life so that I can say that I enjoyed every moment I had with my children.