Should vs. Would

After we lost Riley, we stayed with my in-laws for a few months. When we came back to Provo, and our ward, one of the hardest things for me was seeing the babies that were born around the same time as Riley. As I watched them grow and develop, I often thought things like "Riley should be crawling by now. Riley should have teeth by now. Riley should be eating Cheerios. Riley should be learning to stand and walk. Riley should be here." I think should is a dangerous word. It implies that things aren't the way they are supposed to be, and can lead to anger and frustration. After much prayer, I finally reached a point where I was able to accept that this was God's will; this was how it was supposed to be, even if it wasn't how I wanted it to be. I decided to stop using the word should, because I didn't want to feel contrary to the Lord's plan. I still look at the children that were born around the time Riley was born. It's still hard for me at times, but my thoughts have changed. Now I think things like "Riley would be running around and climbing on everything. Riley would be in nursery. Riley would be talking and singing. Riley would be so big. If he were here." But he's not here, and that's okay, because I know he is in the spirit world, working hard. I'm sure I will always think about what Riley would be doing if he were still here, but I have accepted that he is exactly where God wants and needs him and that he's doing all the things he should be doing. And during the Millennium, I will have the opportunity to raise my beautiful boy, and he will do all these things.