How Many Children Do You Have?

After losing Riley, we attended a support group where this topic came up. Someone will inevitably ask you, "How many children do you have?" Or in cases like mine where we lost our first child and are now raising our second, "Is this your first?" How do you answer a question like that? The answer: it depends.

My first thoughts were "Of course I'm always going to count Riley when I tell people. He's still one of my children, even if he isn't here right now. Being a 'SIDS Survivor' is a part of who I am, and there is no reason to hide that."

Today at stake conference, I was in the foyer with my daughter. Another woman came out with her baby and sat by me as our little ones played on the ground. "Is she your first?" she asked. In the split second I had to decide (taking longer would have made me seem either really rude or really stupid) I chose simply to say, "Yes." Part of me felt guilty. It was like my insides were screaming at me, "No, she isn't! She is your second. Riley is still your first!" But I decided that since I will probably never see this woman again, there was no point in creating an awkward situation that made her feel embarrassed or uncomfortable for asking. Besides, I am experiencing a lot of firsts with my daughter. She is the first baby I have had learn how to sit up. She will be the first child I will have crawl and walk and run. I do the same thing at the grocery store, where somebody always -- without fail! -- asks me something along those lines.

But whenever I meet somebody that I know I will see again -- whether that be a new neighbor, or someone new to the ward, or even a new doctor -- I am very straightforward about the fact that I do, indeed, have two children, and that one of them has passed away. Sure, most people wouldn't consider this a first-impression, get-to-know-you topic. But I do feel that anyone with whom I will repeatedly associate needs to know that this is part of my life, and has helped make me who I am today. But some people consider it a more private matter, and only share it with very close friends and family. And that is completely okay too.

So how will you respond when somebody asks you how many children you have? There really is no right or wrong answer. It is completely up to you, and what makes you feel comfortable. Don't be too concerned about how other people will respond. If it feels right to you to include your angel baby, then do it! If you feel that you should just tell them how many are still with you, then that's what you should say. If you feel like it would be lying not to tell them about your angel baby, but you don't really want to share it, you can just imagine the question as, "How many children do you have on earth?" or "Is this your first baby you have been able to raise?"