Effects on Marriage

Well, in light of Valentine's Day, I have been thinking a lot about my marriage and how losing our son has affected it. Losing a child is one of those things that truly does make or break a marriage. It either tears you apart, or it makes you so strong and united that you can overcome anything that comes your way.

Losing a child can put a huge strain on a marriage. I think one of the big reasons behind this is that people grieve in different ways, and sometimes it's hard to understand our spouse's way. I have always been much more vocal about my emotions, and it is always really easy to tell what I am feeling. My actions are always a clear outward manifestation of my thoughts and feelings. My husband, on the other hand, keeps a lot of those kinds of things to himself. He will act pretty much exactly the same way, regardless of how he is feeling. I remember one of the worst fights we ever had was when I accused him of not being as sad about losing our son as I was. Of course, this was an incredibly stupid and hurtful accusation. I just expected him to act the same way I did. I think the biggest thing I learned from this is that you each really need to understand both how the other grieves and how you grieve. If you do this, you can each grieve the way you need to, but you will still be grieving together. Communication is so important to this process. You need to be able to express your thoughts and feelings (in a non-accusing way, as I learned) and be willing to understand how your spouse acts and feels.

I think one of the hardest things about losing a child to SIDS, or illness, or accident (or in other words, losing a child who has already spent some time with you) is that after they are gone, everything else about life is exactly the same. It makes you so much more acutely aware of their absence. When I saw the bed, I would remember all the times I snuggled with my little Riley. When I saw the car, I remembered when we brought him home, and I remembered the first trip we took to visit family. When I saw the arm chair, I would remember all the late-night feedings. And when I saw my husband, I remembered how very much our son looks like him. For the first few months after losing Riley, we stayed with my in-laws because I just couldn't bear to go back to a home where everything was the same, except my sweet baby was gone. It really is hard when you look at your spouse and all you can see in your mind is your baby.

It took a while, but eventually I got to the point where I considered the remembrances as tender mercies from the Lord. Small opportunities throughout the day to think about my dear son. Now when I look at my husband, I think about how our Riley will look when he grows up. Joseph Smith explained that we will get to raise our departed children during the Millennium. This knowledge gives me hope, and it makes it a happy experience for me to think about Riley all grown up -- because I know I will still get to see it. 

Anyway, I've taken enough tangents. The point of all this is that losing a child does put strain on a marriage. But if you are willing to be open and communicate with each other and try to understand each other, it will bring you closer together than you ever were before. Furthermore, as you both learn to rely on each other and on the Lord, you will feel a greater measure of love and commitment to your spouse. Even when I was being hormonal and emotional, I just remembered the my husband is Riley's daddy, and he needs both of us. And now that we have been blessed with a beautiful daughter, I just remember that no matte what, she needs us to be a strong, united couple so that we can be the best parents possible.

I can easily see how losing a child could lead people to give up on or run away from their marriage. But from experience I know that if you are willing to put in the effort, your marriage can emerge from the fires of opposition not only intact, but stronger than it ever was before. And there really is no feeling like knowing that no matter what comes your way, you and your spouse can get through it together with the Lord's help.