Slowing Things Down

Well, the last couple weeks have been full of visits with family and moving into our Reno home for the summer. We don't have internet in our apartment, and the nearest place with free WiFi is Starbucks. I figure I'll make a weekly trip down there to update blogs and upload pictures to Facebook. Anyway, the point is, I'm going to have to slow down the pace of this blog to one, maybe two posts a week. But as always, you can reach me by email (which I get on my phone) if you ever need someone to talk to, or you would like to be a contributor to this blog.

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Words of Comfort: Healed By His Power

 From Elder Kent F. Richard's talk The Atonement Covers All Pain from the April 2011 General Conference

As Elder Dallin H. Oaks has taught: “Healing blessings come in many ways, each suited to our individual needs, as known to Him who loves us best. Sometimes a ‘healing’ cures our illness or lifts our burden. But sometimes we are ‘healed’ by being given strength or understanding or patience to bear the burdens placed upon us.” ¹⁷ All that will come may be “clasped in the arms of Jesus.” ¹⁸ All souls can be healed by His power. All pain can be soothed. In Him, we can “find rest unto [our] souls.” ¹⁹ Our mortal circumstances may not immediately change, but our pain, worry, suffering, and fear can be swallowed up in His peace and healing balm.

I really liked this quote when I heard it. We always think (or at least we want it so badly that we convince ourselves) that being healed means that our pain will be taken from us. Of course, we also think that if we are faithful, God will answer our prayers the way we want him to. But that's not how it works. I know that over the past year and a half I have received much healing in the form of strength, understanding, and patience. Obviously, I am still physically separated from my son, and will be for some time. But my pain, worry, suffering, and fear have indeed been swallowed up in His peace.

Words of Comfort: Patience, Faith, Fortitude, and Humility

From Elder Kent F. Richard's talk The Atonement Covers All Pain during April 2011 General Conference:

Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.”

Orson F. Whitney, in Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle (1972), 98.

I know this doesn't talk specifically about the pain of losing a child, but it does remind us that even that pain can help us grow and develop eternal qualities.

Words of Comfort: Preaching, Preaching All the Time

Father Smith [Joseph Smith Sr.] and Carlos [Smith] and Brother [Edward] Partridge, yes, and every other good Saint, are just as busy in the spirit world as you and I are here. They can see us, but we cannot see them unless our eyes were opened. What are they doing there? They are preaching, preaching all the time, and preparing the way for us to hasten our work in building temples here and elsewhere.

"Chapter 38: The Spirit World," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

Words of Comfort: Exquisite and Sensible Happiness

We have more friends behind the veil than on this side, and they will hail us more joyfully than you were ever welcomed by your parents and friends in this world; and you will rejoice more when you meet them than you ever rejoiced to see a friend in this life; and then we shall go on from step to step, from rejoicing to rejoicing, and from one intelligence and power to another, our happiness becoming more and more exquisite and sensible as we proceed in the words and powers of life.

"Chapter 38: The Spirit World," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

Words of Comfort: Masters Over the Power of Satan

 If we are faithful to our religion, when we go into the spirit world, the fallen spirits—Lucifer and the third part of the heavenly hosts that came with him, and the spirits of wicked men who have dwelt upon this earth, the whole of them combined will have no influence over our spirits. Is not that an advantage? Yes. All the rest of the children of men are more or less subject to them, and they are subject to them as they were while here in the flesh.Here [the faithful] shall be perplexed and hunted by him; but when we go into the spirit world there we are masters over the power of satan, and he cannot afflict us any more, and this is enough for me to know.

"Chapter 38: The Spirit World," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

Words of Comfort: Learning, Increasing, Growing

if we are striving with all the powers and faculties God has given us to improve upon our talents, to prepare ourselves to dwell in eternal life, and the grave receives our bodies while we are thus engaged, with what disposition will our spirits enter their next state? They will be still striving to do the things of God, only in a much greater degree—learning, increasing, growing in grace and in the knowledge of the truth.

"Chapter 38: The Spirit World," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

Words of Comfort: A Measure of His Power

When we pass into the spirit world we shall possess a measure of his power. Here, we are continually troubled with ills and ailments of various kinds. In the spirit world we are free from all this and enjoy life, glory, and intelligence; and we have the Father to speak to us, Jesus to speak to us, and angels to speak to us, and we shall enjoy the society of the just and the pure who are in the spirit world until the resurrection.

"Chapter 38: The Spirit World," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

I love everything about this quote. My sweet Riley doesn't have to suffer through grief or pain or illness. He can bask in glory and intelligence. The Father, Jesus, and angels speak to him, and he is in the company of the other righteous spirits. I know my boy is in a wonderful place and that I don't need to worry about him.

Words of Comfort: Brightness and Glory of the Next Apartment

I can say with regard to parting with our friends, and going ourselves, that I have been near enough to understand eternity so that I have had to exercise a great deal more faith to desire to live than I ever exercised in my whole life to live. The brightness and glory of the next apartment is inexpressible. It is not encumbered so that when we advance in years we have to be stubbing along and be careful lest we fall down. We see our youth, even, frequently stubbing their toes and falling down. But yonder, how different! They move with ease and like lightning. If we want to visit Jerusalem, or this, that, or the other place—and I presume we will be permitted if we desire—there we are, looking at its streets. If we want to behold Jerusalem as it was in the days of the Savior; or if we want to see the Garden of Eden as it was when created, there we are, and we see it as it existed spiritually, for it was created first spiritually and then temporally, and spiritually it still remains. And when there we may behold the earth as at the dawn of creation, or we may visit any city we please that exists upon its surface. If we wish to understand how they are living here on these western islands, or in China, we are there; in fact, we are like the light of the morning. … God has revealed some little things, with regard to his movements and power, and the operation and motion of the lightning furnish a fine illustration of the ability of the Almighty.

"Chapter 38: The Spirit World," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

Words of Comfort: They Sleep Not

When you are in the spirit world, everything there will appear as natural as things now do. Spirits will be familiar with spirits in the spirit world—will converse, behold, and exercise every variety of communication with one another as familiarly and naturally as while here in tabernacles. There, as here, all things will be natural, and you will understand them as you now understand natural things. You will there see that those spirits we are speaking of are active; they sleep not. And you will learn that they are striving with all their might—laboring and toiling diligently as any individual would to accomplish an act in this world

"Chapter 38: The Spirit World," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

Words of Comfort: Mingling with Each Other

The spirits that dwell in these tabernacles on this earth, when they leave them go directly into this world of spirits. What! A congregated mass of inhabitants there in spirit, mingling with each other, as they do here? Yes, brethren, they are there together, and if they associate together, and collect together, in clans and in societies as they do here, it is their privilege. No doubt they yet, more or less, see, hear, converse and have to do with each other, both good and bad. If the Elders of Israel in these latter times go and preach to the spirits in prison, they associate with them, precisely as our Elders associate with the wicked in the flesh, when they go to preach to them

"Chapter 38: The Spirit World," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

Words of Comfort: Healing

In General Conference this past weekend, Elder Kent F. Richards talked about healing, and how we all need it from the Savior. Yes, sometimes we are healed by having our burdens taken from us. But often (as in my own life) healing comes through the gifts of strength, understanding, and patience in our suffering. Heavenly Father did not bring our Riley back, even though we wanted it more than anything. While the paramedics and doctors were working on him, we believed so strongly that he would be revived. But this was not Heavenly Father's will. Our lives were broken and our hearts were shattered. Never in my life have I been more in need of healing. It has already been a long road, and I know I am still on the path to complete healing, but the Savior has indeed been there, and I have received so much strength, from the very beginning. My testimony has been strengthened, and over time, I have been blessed with small pieces of understanding that have further strengthened my testimony and my trust in God. I have also been blessed with patience -- patience for the blessings which have been promised me. We will be with Riley again, and we will have the opportunity to raise him during the Millennium. But we need to be patient and live faithfully.

Words of Comfort: See, Hear and Understand Spiritual Things

When the spirits leave their bodies, … they are prepared then to see, hear and understand spiritual things. … Can you see spirits in this room? No. Suppose the Lord should touch your eyes that you might see, could you then see the spirits? Yes, as plainly as you now see bodies, as did the servant of [Elisha] [see 2 Kings 6:16–17]. If the Lord would permit it, and it was his will that it should be done, you could see the spirits that have departed from this world, as plainly as you now see bodies with your natural eyes


"Chapter 38: The Spirit World," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

Words of Comfort: Pure and Holy

The spirit within is pure and holy, and goes back pure and holy to God, dwells in the spirit world pure and holy, and, by and by, will have the privilege of coming and taking the body again.

"Chapter 37: Understanding Death and Resurrection," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

Words of Comfort: Created to Exist Eternally

The Gospel of life and salvation reveals to each individual who receives it that this world is only a place of temporary duration, existence, trials, etc. Its present fashion and uses are but for a few days, while we were created to exist eternally

"Chapter 37: Understanding Death and Resurrection," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

Should vs. Would

After we lost Riley, we stayed with my in-laws for a few months. When we came back to Provo, and our ward, one of the hardest things for me was seeing the babies that were born around the same time as Riley. As I watched them grow and develop, I often thought things like "Riley should be crawling by now. Riley should have teeth by now. Riley should be eating Cheerios. Riley should be learning to stand and walk. Riley should be here." I think should is a dangerous word. It implies that things aren't the way they are supposed to be, and can lead to anger and frustration. After much prayer, I finally reached a point where I was able to accept that this was God's will; this was how it was supposed to be, even if it wasn't how I wanted it to be. I decided to stop using the word should, because I didn't want to feel contrary to the Lord's plan. I still look at the children that were born around the time Riley was born. It's still hard for me at times, but my thoughts have changed. Now I think things like "Riley would be running around and climbing on everything. Riley would be in nursery. Riley would be talking and singing. Riley would be so big. If he were here." But he's not here, and that's okay, because I know he is in the spirit world, working hard. I'm sure I will always think about what Riley would be doing if he were still here, but I have accepted that he is exactly where God wants and needs him and that he's doing all the things he should be doing. And during the Millennium, I will have the opportunity to raise my beautiful boy, and he will do all these things.

Words of Comfort: No Disposition to Weep or Mourn

It is true it is grievous to part with our friends. We are creatures of passion, of sympathy, of love, and it is painful for us to part with our friends. We would keep them in the mortal house, though they should suffer pain. Are we not selfish in this? Should we not rather rejoice at the departure of those whose lives have been devoted to doing good...? But could we have knowledge and see into eternity, if we were perfectly free from the weakness, blindness, and lethargy with which we are clothed in the flesh, we should have no disposition to weep or mourn.

"Chapter 37: Understanding Death and Resurrection," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

Words of Comfort: Secured to Himself a Glorious Resurrection

It is a great cause of joy and rejoicing and comfort to his friends to know that a person has passed away in peace from this life, and has secured to himself a glorious resurrection. The earth and the fulness of the earth and all that pertains to this earth in an earthly capacity is no comparison with the glory, joy and peace and happiness of the soul that departs in peace

"Chapter 37: Understanding Death and Resurrection," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young, (1997)

Words of Comfort: Worthy to Join My Innocent Children

"The Lord truly knows best and we know that the innocents who have been recalled from earth, so soon after their coming untainted by the sordid elements of this fallen world return to Him from whom they came, pure and holy, redeemed from the foundation, by the sacrifice of one who said “of such is the kingdom of heaven.” My most earnest, heartfelt prayer is, O! God help me to live and be worthy to join my innocent children in their home with thee!"

(Truth and Courage: The Joseph F. Smith Letters, 57.)
~"Chapter 15: The Salvation of Little Children," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: JosephF. Smith, (1998)

Enjoying Every Moment

One of the most painful things for me after losing Riley was remembering all the times I didn't spend with him. All the times when he cried to be held, but I was so concerned about getting dinner cooked, or getting the dishes washed. To this day, these memories still break my heart. Even worse are the memories of when I was impatient with him, times when I just wanted a moment to myself. What I wouldn't give now for another moment with my sweet boy. I wish I could cuddle with him and get his big open-mouth kisses; I wish I could tickle him and hear his laughter. I even wish I could wake up in the middle of the night to his crying; I wish I could change his stinky, messy diapers.

All that being said, I'm ashamed to admit that I sometimes get impatient with Bekka, when I know I should just be enjoying every moment I have with her. A couple weeks ago, our cousins' son was admitted to the PICU because a blood vessel had burst in his spinal cord. This has been a rough and scary experience for a lot of reasons, but it's made even harder by the fact that our cousins already suffered the loss of one of their daughters a few years ago. And it is their healing baby, the one who helped heal their hearts after their loss, that is now in the hospital. When I found out about their boy being hospitalized I was overwhelmed with so many emotions. Among those emotions were fear and regret. You never, ever imagine that you will lose a child. But even more so, you never, never imagine losing another child. The thought that I might outlive Bekka scared me so much, and I was immediately filled with regret for all the moments with her that I haven't enjoyed. I'll admit, there have been times when she has been crying and I have gotten so frustrated and impatient. I feel so ashamed at how easily I can forget how I would give anything to hear Riley crying again. I'm not perfect, and I'm sure I'll slip up again, but for now I have a renewed determination to enjoy ever single moment with my baby girl -- even if she's crying or her diaper is leaking or anything else that might not otherwise be considered enjoyable.

I hope with all my heart that Bekka lives a long, healthy, wonderful life. I hope that all my future children will outlive me as well. But if the unimaginable happens, if God calls home another child of mine, I never want to have any regrets about how I spent my time with them. I want to live my life so that I can say that I enjoyed every moment I had with my children.

Words of Comfort: Fellowship... in Kindred Sorrows

"Time, and time only—that great healer of wounds—can touch my soul, and I think you would no doubt feel the same. But when the first poignant throes of grief are passed and the soul is calmed by time and fate, then a word fitly spoken may touch the tender chord of fellowship flowing from heart to heart in kindred sorrows."

( Truth and Courage: The Joseph F. Smith Letters, 57.)
~"Chapter 15: The Salvation of Little Children," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: JosephF. Smith, (1998)

Words of Comfort: I Shall Meet Them There

"The thought of meeting my children who have preceded me beyond the veil, and of meeting my kindred and my friends, what happiness it affords! For I know that I shall meet them there. God has shown me that this is true. He has made it clear to me, in answer to my prayer and devotion, as he has made it clear to the understanding of all men who have sought diligently to know him."

(Gospel Doctrine, 428–29. )
~"Chapter 15: The Salvation of Little Children," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: JosephF. Smith, (1998)

Words of Comfort: No Power Can Separate Us Then

"If we live and turn away from the truth we will be separated throughout the countless ages of eternity from the society of those we love. We will have no claim upon them, and they will have no claim upon us. There will be an impassable gulf between us over which we can not pass, one to the other.If we die in the faith, having lived righteous lives, we are Christ’s, we have the assurance of eternal reward, being in possession of the principles of eternal truth and shall be clothed with glory, immortality and eternal lives. While we sojourn in the flesh we pass a great portion of our life in sorrow; death separates us for a short time, some of us pass behind the vail, but the time will come when we will meet with those who have gone, and enjoy each other’s society forever. The separation is but for a moment as it were. No power can separate us then. God having joined us together we have a claim upon each other—an undeniable claim—inasmuch as we have been united by the power of the priesthood in the Gospel of Christ. Therefore it is better to be separated in this life for a little season, although we have to pass through deprivation, sorrow, trouble, toil, widowhood, orphanage and many other vicissitudes, than to be separated for all eternity."

(Deseret News: Semi-Weekly, 24 Apr. 1883, 1.)
~"Chapter 15: The Salvation of Little Children," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: JosephF. Smith, (1998)

Words of Comfort: Hopes of the Future

"It is a very difficult matter to say anything at a time of sorrow and bereavement like the present that will give immediate relief to the sorrowing hearts of those who mourn. Such griefs can only be fully relieved by the lapse of time and the influence of the good spirit upon the hearts of those that mourn, by which they can obtain comfort and satisfaction in their hopes of the future. … I have learned that there are a great many things which are far worse than death. With my present feelings and views and the understanding that I have of life and death I would far rather follow every child I have to the grave in their innocence and purity, than to see them grow up to man and womanhood and degrade themselves by the pernicious practices of the world, forget the Gospel, forget God and the plan of life and salvation, and turn away from the only hope of eternal reward and exaltation in the world to come."

 ( Deseret News: Semi-Weekly, 24 Apr. 1883, 1.)
~"Chapter 15: The Salvation of Little Children," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: JosephF. Smith, (1998)

Words of Comfort: All is Well with Our Children

"If we have received the testimony of the spirit of truth in our souls we know that all is well with our little children who pass away, that we could not, if we would, better their condition; and least of all would it better their condition if we could call them back here, for the reason that so long as man is in the world, clothed with mortality, surrounded by the evils that are in the world, he runs chances and is subject to risks, and there are responsibilities resting upon him which may prove fatal to his future prosperity, happiness and exaltation."

(Gospel Doctrine, 452.)
~"Chapter 15: The Salvation of Little Children," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: JosephF. Smith, (1998)

Words of Comfort: Nurturing This Child, After Its Resurrection

"Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: “You will have the joy, the pleasure, and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.” There is restitution, there is growth, there is development, after the resurrection from death. I love this truth. It speaks volumes of happiness, of joy and gratitude to my soul. Thank the Lord he has revealed these principles to us."

(Gospel Doctrine, 455–56.)
~"Chapter 15: The Salvation of Little Children," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: JosephF. Smith, (1998)

Words of Comfort: In the Stature of Full-Grown Manhood

"The spirits of our children are immortal before they come to us, and their spirits, after bodily death, are like they were before they came. They are as they would have appeared if they had lived in the flesh, to grow to maturity, or to develop their physical bodies to the full stature of their spirits. If you see one of your children that has passed away it may appear to you in the form in which you would recognize it, the form of childhood; but if it came to you as a messenger bearing some important truth, it would perhaps come as the spirit of Bishop Edward Hunter’s son (who died when a little child) came to him, in the stature of full-grown manhood, and revealed himself to his father, and said: “I am your son.”

Bishop Hunter did not understand it. He went to my father and said: “Hyrum, what does that mean? I buried my son when he was only a little boy, but he has come to me as a full-grown man—a noble, glorious, young man, and declared himself my son. What does it mean?”

Father (Hyrum Smith, the Patriarch) told him that the Spirit of Jesus Christ was full-grown before he was born into the world; and so our children were full-grown and possessed their full stature in the spirit, before they entered mortality, the same stature that they will possess after they have passed away from mortality, and as they will also appear after the resurrection, when they shall have completed their mission."

(Gospel Doctrine, 455–56.)
~"Chapter 15: The Salvation of Little Children," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: JosephF. Smith, (1998)

Words of Comfort: That Privilege [of Rearing Her Babe] Will be Renewed to Her Hereafter

"It matters not whether these tabernacles mature in this world, or have to wait and mature in the world to come, according to the word of the Prophet Joseph Smith, the body will develop, either in time or in eternity, to the full stature of the spirit, and when the mother is deprived of the pleasure and joy of rearing her babe to manhood or to womanhood in this life, through the hand of death, that privilege will be renewed to her hereafter, and she will enjoy it to a fuller fruition than it would be possible for her to do here. When she does it there, it will be with the certain knowledge that the results will be without failure; whereas here, the results are unknown until after we have passed the test."

(Gospel Doctrine, 453–54.)
~"Chapter 15: The Salvation of Little Children," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: JosephF. Smith, (1998)

Words of Comfort: Full Stature of His Spirit

"Would we be satisfied to see the children we bury in their infancy remain as children only, throughout the countless ages of eternity? No! Neither would the spirits that did possess the tabernacles of our children be satisfied to remain in that condition. But we know our children will not be compelled to remain as a child in stature always, for it was revealed from God, the fountain of truth, through Joseph Smith the prophet, in this dispensation, that in the resurrection of the dead the child that was buried in its infancy will come up in the form of the child that it was when it was laid down; then it will begin to develop. From the day of the resurrection, the body will develop until it reaches the full measure of the stature of its spirit, whether it be male or female. If the spirit possessed the intelligence of God and the aspirations of mortal souls, it could not be satisfied with anything less than this. You will remember we are told that the spirit of Jesus Christ visited one of the ancient prophets and revealed himself to him, and he declared his identity, that he was the same Son of God that was to come in the meridian of time. He said he would appear in the flesh just as he appeared to that prophet [see Ether 3:9, 16–17]. He was not an infant; he was a grown, developed spirit; possessing the form of man and the form of God, the same form as when he came and took upon him a tabernacle and developed it to the full stature of his spirit."

(Gospel Doctrine, 24.)
~"Chapter 15: The Salvation of Little Children," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: JosephF. Smith, (1998)

Words of Comfort: The Lord Giveth and the Lord Taketh

"With these thoughts in my mind, I take consolation in the fact that I shall meet my children who have passed behind the veil; I have lost a number, and I have felt all that a parent can feel, I think, in the loss of my children. I have felt it keenly, for I love children, and I am particularly fond of the little ones, but I feel thankful to God for the knowledge of these principles, because now I have every confidence in his word and in his promise that I will possess in the future all that belongs to me, and my joy will be full. I will not be deprived of any privilege or any blessing that I am worthy of and that may be properly entrusted to me. But every gift, and every blessing that it is possible for me to become worthy of I shall possess, either in time or in eternity, and it will not matter, so that I acknowledge the hand of God in all these things, and say in my heart, “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord” [see Job 1:21]. This is the way we should feel with regard to our children, or our relatives, or friends, or whatever vicissitudes we may be called to pass through."

~Joseph F. Smith

(Gospel Doctrine, 24.)

Words of Comfort: All That Could Have Been Obtained and Enjoyed... Will be Provided for Them Hereafter

"Our beloved friends who are now deprived of their little one, have great cause for joy and rejoicing, even in the midst of the deep sorrow that they feel at the loss of their little one for a time. They know he is all right; they have the assurance that their little one has passed away without sin. Such children are in the bosom of the Father. They will inherit their glory and their exaltation, and they will not be deprived of the blessings that belong to them; for, in the economy of heaven, and in the wisdom of the Father, who doeth all things well, those who are cut down as little children are without any responsibility for their taking off, they, themselves, not having the intelligence and wisdom to take care of themselves and to understand the laws of life; and, in the wisdom and mercy and economy of God our Heavenly Father, all that could have been obtained and enjoyed by them if they had been permitted to live in the flesh will be provided for them hereafter. They will lose nothing by being taken away from us in this way."

~Joseph F. Smith

(Gospel Doctrine, 5th ed. (1939), 452–54.)

Words of Comfort: Gathered to my Father's Mansion

Although President Joseph F. Smith knew firsthand the anguish, loneliness, and love that attend the death of a child, his teachings on the salvation of little children were inspiring and reassuring. Between 1869 and 1898, he buried nine little children of his own. ...

But he found comfort in the knowledge that, through the Atonement of the Savior, all was well with his beloved children. At the death of his daughter Ruth, on 17 March 1898, he received a glorious revelation: “O my soul! I see my own sweet mother’s arms extended welcoming to her embrace the ransomed glorious spirit of my own sweet babe! O my God! For this glorious vision, I thank Thee! And there too are gathered to my Father’s mansion all my darling lovely ones; not in infantile helplessness, but in all the power and glory and majesty of sanctified spirits! Full of intelligence, of joy and grace, and truth.”(Life of Joseph F. Smith, 463.)

("Chapter 15: The Salvation of Little Children," Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph F. Smith, [1998])

Words of Comfort: A Greater and More Glorious Work

"The spirits of the just are exalted to a greater and more glorious work; hence they are blessed in their departure to the world of spirits."

~Joseph Smith

(History of the Church, 6:51–52; from a discourse given by Joseph Smith on Oct. 9, 1843, in Nauvoo, Illinois; reported by Willard Richards and Times and Seasons, Sept. 15, 1843, p. 331; this issue of the Times and Seasons was published late.)

Words of Comfort: I Shall See Them Again

On January 20, 1840, Joseph Smith wrote to Emma Smith: “I received a letter from Hyrum, which cheered my heart to learn that my family was all alive. Yet my heart mourns for those who have been taken from us, but not without hope, for I shall see them again and be with them. Therefore, we can be more reconciled to the dealings of God."

(Letter from Joseph Smith to Emma Smith, Jan. 20, 1840, Chester County, Pennsylvania; Chicago Historical Society, Chicago, Illinois.)

Words of Comfort: Reconciled to His Will

"It has been hard for me to live on earth and see these young men upon whom we have leaned for support and comfort taken from us in the midst of their youth. Yes, it has been hard to be reconciled to these things. I have sometimes thought that I should have felt more reconciled to have been called away myself if it had been the will of God; yet I know we ought to be still and know it is of God, and be reconciled to His will; all is right. It will be but a short time before we shall all in like manner be called: it may be the case with me as well as you."

~Joseph Smith

(History of the Church, 4:587; from a discourse given by Joseph Smith on Apr. 9, 1842, in Nauvoo, Illinois; reported by Wilford Woodruff.)

One of the things I love most about what Joseph Smith said is how he addresses the feelings of those who are left behind when somebody passes away. It is hard to be reconciled to these kinds of things, and it's kind of nice to have prophetic validation for what we are feeling. But the important part of this message is that we need to "be still and know it is of God, and be reconciled to His will." It is normal and natural to feel pain at the loss of a child, but I know from personal experience that if we truly humble ourselves and ask God for understanding, we can receive some. I don't think that at any time in this life I will understand completely why Riley's time on earth was so short. But I have received divine confirmation that this was indeed part of Heavenly Father's plan for our son and for our family. This knowledge helped me accept that "all is right."

I think that one of the most important things I have learned since Riley passed away is how to truly be reconciled to God's will. It is so easy to say that we will follow His will when we live righteously and want good things, and we get them. The test of our faith, and our willingness to submit to God comes when we are doing everything we are supposed to, but things don't happen the way we expect or want them to. But if we really are humble and ask God, we can know if something is His will, and we can learn to not only accept it, but embrace it. Of course part of me wishes that Riley were still here, that we could have had a normal family and a normal life. But that was not part of Heavenly Father's plan for us. For whatever reason, we were chosen to be the parents of a spirit whose earthly mission was very short. Yes, it is still difficult, but we have been blessed in so many ways. Our testimonies have been strengthened, our faith has increased, our relationships with each other and with God are so much stronger, and we have our beautiful baby girl. I know that Bekka would not have come when she did if Riley were still here. I am sure that one day I will know why Bekka needed to come when she did, and why Riley needed to go home when he did. But for now, it is enough to trust in the Lord and be reconciled to His will.

Effects on Marriage

Well, in light of Valentine's Day, I have been thinking a lot about my marriage and how losing our son has affected it. Losing a child is one of those things that truly does make or break a marriage. It either tears you apart, or it makes you so strong and united that you can overcome anything that comes your way.

Losing a child can put a huge strain on a marriage. I think one of the big reasons behind this is that people grieve in different ways, and sometimes it's hard to understand our spouse's way. I have always been much more vocal about my emotions, and it is always really easy to tell what I am feeling. My actions are always a clear outward manifestation of my thoughts and feelings. My husband, on the other hand, keeps a lot of those kinds of things to himself. He will act pretty much exactly the same way, regardless of how he is feeling. I remember one of the worst fights we ever had was when I accused him of not being as sad about losing our son as I was. Of course, this was an incredibly stupid and hurtful accusation. I just expected him to act the same way I did. I think the biggest thing I learned from this is that you each really need to understand both how the other grieves and how you grieve. If you do this, you can each grieve the way you need to, but you will still be grieving together. Communication is so important to this process. You need to be able to express your thoughts and feelings (in a non-accusing way, as I learned) and be willing to understand how your spouse acts and feels.

I think one of the hardest things about losing a child to SIDS, or illness, or accident (or in other words, losing a child who has already spent some time with you) is that after they are gone, everything else about life is exactly the same. It makes you so much more acutely aware of their absence. When I saw the bed, I would remember all the times I snuggled with my little Riley. When I saw the car, I remembered when we brought him home, and I remembered the first trip we took to visit family. When I saw the arm chair, I would remember all the late-night feedings. And when I saw my husband, I remembered how very much our son looks like him. For the first few months after losing Riley, we stayed with my in-laws because I just couldn't bear to go back to a home where everything was the same, except my sweet baby was gone. It really is hard when you look at your spouse and all you can see in your mind is your baby.

It took a while, but eventually I got to the point where I considered the remembrances as tender mercies from the Lord. Small opportunities throughout the day to think about my dear son. Now when I look at my husband, I think about how our Riley will look when he grows up. Joseph Smith explained that we will get to raise our departed children during the Millennium. This knowledge gives me hope, and it makes it a happy experience for me to think about Riley all grown up -- because I know I will still get to see it. 

Anyway, I've taken enough tangents. The point of all this is that losing a child does put strain on a marriage. But if you are willing to be open and communicate with each other and try to understand each other, it will bring you closer together than you ever were before. Furthermore, as you both learn to rely on each other and on the Lord, you will feel a greater measure of love and commitment to your spouse. Even when I was being hormonal and emotional, I just remembered the my husband is Riley's daddy, and he needs both of us. And now that we have been blessed with a beautiful daughter, I just remember that no matte what, she needs us to be a strong, united couple so that we can be the best parents possible.

I can easily see how losing a child could lead people to give up on or run away from their marriage. But from experience I know that if you are willing to put in the effort, your marriage can emerge from the fires of opposition not only intact, but stronger than it ever was before. And there really is no feeling like knowing that no matter what comes your way, you and your spouse can get through it together with the Lord's help.

Words of Comfort: Mothers, You Shall Have Your Children

"A question may be asked—‘Will mothers have their children in eternity?’ Yes! Yes! Mothers, you shall have your children; for they shall have eternal life, for their debt is paid."

~Joseph Smith

(History of the Church, 6:316; from a discourse given by Joseph Smith on Apr. 7, 1844, in Nauvoo, Illinois; reported by Wilford Woodruff, Willard Richards, Thomas Bullock, and William Clayton; see also appendix, page 562, item 3.)

Words of Comfort: We Do Not Mourn as Those Without Hope

"The only difference between the old and young dying is, one lives longer in heaven and eternal light and glory than the other, and is freed a little sooner from this miserable, wicked world. Notwithstanding all this glory, we for a moment lose sight of it, and mourn the loss, but we do not mourn as those without hope."

~Joseph Smith

(History of the Church, 4:553–54; from a discourse given by Joseph Smith on Mar. 20, 1842, in Nauvoo, Illinois; reported by Wilford Woodruff.)

My favorite part of this quote is the end. Yes, of course we will mourn -- we are temporarily separated from our beautiful child; this is not what we had planned; all our expectations for the future (at least in this life) are gone in an instant. And yet, amidst our grief and pain, there is hope. Hope in the atonement that guarantees our innocent children a place in the celestial kingdom. Hope in the resurrection. Hope in eternal families. No, we do not mourn as those without hope, because we know that there is more than the time we spend here on earth. It is okay to be sad and to miss our children, but we will be reunited with them. And for now, they are basking in eternal light and glory and are freed from the pains and sorrows of this world.

Words of Comfort: Too Pure, Too Lovely

At the funeral of two-year-old Marian Lyon, the Prophet [Joseph Smith] said: “We have again the warning voice sounded in our midst, which shows the uncertainty of human life; and in my leisure moments I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us, especially those that seem to be the most intelligent and interesting. The strongest reasons that present themselves to my mind are these: This world is a very wicked world; and it … grows more wicked and corrupt. … The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again"

(History of the Church, 4:553–54; from a discourse given by Joseph Smith on Mar. 20, 1842, in Nauvoo, Illinois; reported by Wilford Woodruff.)

I cannot express enough how much comfort this has brought me. Our angel children were too pure and too lovely to stay here for very long. What special spirits God must have given to us. And while we are separated from them for now, we will have the opportunity to be with them after this life, and for all eternity. And I am certain that upon getting to know our children, we will learn how truly special they are. It took me a long time to get through the process of mourning, but now I do see how we can rejoice. Our sweet children have already gained exaltation and a place in the celestial kingdom. Can any parent wish more for their child?

How Many Children Do You Have?

After losing Riley, we attended a support group where this topic came up. Someone will inevitably ask you, "How many children do you have?" Or in cases like mine where we lost our first child and are now raising our second, "Is this your first?" How do you answer a question like that? The answer: it depends.

My first thoughts were "Of course I'm always going to count Riley when I tell people. He's still one of my children, even if he isn't here right now. Being a 'SIDS Survivor' is a part of who I am, and there is no reason to hide that."

Today at stake conference, I was in the foyer with my daughter. Another woman came out with her baby and sat by me as our little ones played on the ground. "Is she your first?" she asked. In the split second I had to decide (taking longer would have made me seem either really rude or really stupid) I chose simply to say, "Yes." Part of me felt guilty. It was like my insides were screaming at me, "No, she isn't! She is your second. Riley is still your first!" But I decided that since I will probably never see this woman again, there was no point in creating an awkward situation that made her feel embarrassed or uncomfortable for asking. Besides, I am experiencing a lot of firsts with my daughter. She is the first baby I have had learn how to sit up. She will be the first child I will have crawl and walk and run. I do the same thing at the grocery store, where somebody always -- without fail! -- asks me something along those lines.

But whenever I meet somebody that I know I will see again -- whether that be a new neighbor, or someone new to the ward, or even a new doctor -- I am very straightforward about the fact that I do, indeed, have two children, and that one of them has passed away. Sure, most people wouldn't consider this a first-impression, get-to-know-you topic. But I do feel that anyone with whom I will repeatedly associate needs to know that this is part of my life, and has helped make me who I am today. But some people consider it a more private matter, and only share it with very close friends and family. And that is completely okay too.

So how will you respond when somebody asks you how many children you have? There really is no right or wrong answer. It is completely up to you, and what makes you feel comfortable. Don't be too concerned about how other people will respond. If it feels right to you to include your angel baby, then do it! If you feel that you should just tell them how many are still with you, then that's what you should say. If you feel like it would be lying not to tell them about your angel baby, but you don't really want to share it, you can just imagine the question as, "How many children do you have on earth?" or "Is this your first baby you have been able to raise?"

Words of Comfort: The Morning of the Resurrection

"More painful to me are the thoughts of annihilation than death. If I have no expectation of seeing my father, mother, brothers, sisters and friends again, my heart would burst in a moment, and I should go down to my grave. The expectation of seeing my friends in the morning of the resurrection cheers my soul and makes me bear up against the evils of life. It is like their taking a long journey, and on their return we meet them with increased joy."

~Joseph Smith

(History of the Church, 5:361–63; from a discourse given by Joseph Smith on Apr. 16, 1843, in Nauvoo, Illinois; reported by Wilford Woodruff and Willard Richards.)

I really liked the analogy that the Prophet made here. Death is not an ultimate goodbye. It is like saying, "I'll see you when you get back." Or rather, when we make it there, which we inevitably will. I used to be so afraid of dying young, but now I see that death itself is not to be feared. Because in the morning of the resurrection we will be reunited with all our friends and family. While I still hope to live a long and fruitful life, I no longer fear the time when my Heavenly Father shall call me home. When that time does come, it will be because I have finished my earthly mission. I know when I arrive in the spirit world, Riley will be the first one to welcome me. He will wrap his arms around me and say the words I long so much to hear: "Mom, I love you." And I will weep in joy.

Words of Comfort: We Shall Soon Meet Again

"I have a father, brothers, children, and friends who have gone to a world of spirits. They are only absent for a moment. They are in the spirit, and we shall soon meet again. The time will soon arrive when the trumpet shall sound. When we depart, we shall hail our mothers, fathers, friends, and all whom we love, who have fallen asleep in Jesus. There will be no fear of mobs, persecutions, or malicious lawsuits and arrests; but it will be an eternity of felicity."

~Joseph Smith

(History of the Church, 6:302–3, 310–11, 315–16; from a discourse given by Joseph Smith on Apr. 7, 1844, in Nauvoo, Illinois; reported by Wilford Woodruff, Willard Richards, Thomas Bullock, and William Clayton; see also appendix, page 562, item 3.)

I found it really comforting to read the words "we shall soon meet again." We do not know how long we will live. And even if we live to be a hundred, the time will come when we, too, will leave behind our mortal bodies. We will then be greeted by all our loved ones who have gone on before us. This also made me realize that there were people waiting to welcome my little Riley to the spirit world. My great grandmother passed away only a few months before I was married, and I feel very strongly that she was one of the first to welcome my baby boy to the other side. I also found comfort in knowing that there is no fear, only felicity beyond this life. My baby is not scared; he is happy and surrounded by loved ones.

Words of Comfort: A Short Season

"I know that my testimony is true; hence, when I talk to these mourners, what have they lost? Their relatives and friends are only separated from their bodies for a short season: their spirits which existed with God have left the tabernacle of clay only for a little moment, as it were; and they now exist in a place where they converse together the same as we do on the earth."

~Joseph Smith
(History of the Church, 6:302–3, 310–11, 315–16; from a discourse given by Joseph Smith on Apr. 7, 1844, in Nauvoo, Illinois; reported by Wilford Woodruff, Willard Richards, Thomas Bullock, and William Clayton; see also appendix, page 562, item 3.)

I like how the Prophet pointed out the we are only separated from our loved ones "for a short season." Compared to the eternity we get to spend together, our time on earth really isn't that long. I also found comfort in the insight given on the spirit world. My baby is not scared and alone; he is surrounded by many people with whom he can hold conversations. I am sure that he has made many friends and that he has gotten to know many of our family members who have also left this world. I find comfort in knowing that he is not sad or alone.

My Angel Baby

Two weeks into our marriage, I learned that we would be having a honeymoon baby. I could not have been more thrilled. From the moment I found out I was expecting, I loved our baby more than I have ever loved anyone. After nine months and three days of being married, we welcomed our beautiful baby boy into the world. From the very beginning, Riley was so bright and alert. He was the most perfect baby I could ever have imagined. He had Daddy's dimples, and Mommy's big, brown eyes, and a smile that could light up any room. You could not have met prouder parents than us. We spent four perfect months together. Then our lives changed forever.

To make a long and painful story short, we lost our darling prince to SIDS. I was 21 and my husband a mere few days over 23 when we buried our beloved Riley.

14 months and one baby later, I have experienced and learned so much. I hope that I can offer strength, support, and comfort to anyone else who has ever had to say an unexpected goodbye to a child.

Riley Allen Lund ~ June 1, 2009 - October 7, 2009